I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
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“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*checks Timeline*…
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.