“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.