Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?