I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious