Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie