[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
thinking about a very short hotdog
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.