Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.