what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
@funTweeters
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.