My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
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After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
When someone says you are so lazy
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Somebody’s lying.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.