Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
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I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans