My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You Might Also Like
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.