a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
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BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
6: are snakes just neck?
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.