You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.