It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
You Might Also Like
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Mornin
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.