No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
You Might Also Like
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM