DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
brian had himself a morning…
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend