why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.