Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The 5 signs of laziness
1.