FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.