I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…