[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
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My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
🤣
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”