Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
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ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.