*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.