Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
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Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?