“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
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Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Life hack
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL