Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.