just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
relationship goals
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My wedding will be open casket.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress