[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
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My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!