I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
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Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
A drum solo but on your face.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!