Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
You Might Also Like
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Meeeee too!
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”