You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Breaking news:
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”