Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I’d love this…lol
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.