Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
You Might Also Like
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’