how long have you had this for?
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We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
LOL
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”