my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My work here is don’t.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.