retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’M CRYINGGG
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.