The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.