How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
inside you are two wolves
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.