5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.