My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?