I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
become ungovernable
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait