My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
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Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago