I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
wtf is a larm clock?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no