He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious