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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
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me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside