Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
You Might Also Like
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Do not go gentle into that good night,
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
True.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
wishing you and yours all the best
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE