Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.