I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.