went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy