I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
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friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.